I know that it's been forever and a day since I last posted. The reason? Uh....aliens...yes...aliens...they abducted me and I...uh...no...

Okay, the real reason...I've been busy.

Anyway, something happened tonight that I must post about...but first some back story:

A few weeks ago John sent his parents a letter basically stating how he feels about everything, including being FTM and let's just say it was a very honest letter.

About a week after that was sent his mom (and only his mom) sent him back an envelope with an old Ying Yang pendent that he had given his mom when he was younger. No letter, nothing...just the pendent. Oh, and I should say that the letter he sent to them asked for a clear yes or no answer about weither or not they would disown him if he transitioned.

So...that was about 2 weeks ago or so. Today while I'm at work his mom calls my cell phone. I later checked the voice mail and she's saying that she wants "her" (John) to call her back so that "she" can speak to them rationaly and that they're worried about "her" and want to make sure "she's" okay.

All I have to say to this is WTF is up with them??

What do you guys think?

--Tracy

You know that saying, "Things have to get worse before they get better?" Well, I wish that wasn't the case.

Our end of May deadline is approching and John still doesn't have a job. I so worried. I don't know what to do. He told me today that he would rather die than to go back home, and that he ment that. That scares me. I won't let him go home. I can't. He can't.

I'm thinking of moving out with him, getting an apartment together. I'll get so much shit for it from my family though. But I'm not seeing another way. I'll have to find a new job...and soon too. There's no way I could pay for an apartment of $6.40 an hour. Even when I get my 2 year raise I'll still only be making $6.60. That's better but not great.

My parents won't cut me off completly...but they will cut me off a little, money wise. They think it's a bad idea on a lot of levels. 1) Finacally. They pay for practically everything right now except for my phone and AOL. They even give me $190.00 every 2 weeks for "expences." I'm sure if I could curb my spending I could live on my own...I just don't know if I could curb my spending :O/ 2) They don't think I'll eat well. Which is true...I probubly won't. But how many 22 year olds do? 3) They think I won't keep the apartment clean. I think I'll do a much better job than I did last time. I'm a few years older, and I know what'll happen if I don't keep it clean, and I won't get any pets. Plus I'll have John there to help me clean. No, it won't be up to my dad's standards...but what have I ever done that is? I need to stop worring about my parents and figure out what I need to do for me.

They've got me scared that I can't do it. But deep down I know that if I try I can. I am capable of this. And I need to prove it to them I guess.

GAH.

I'm gonna go for now...I don't want to think about this any more right now...

--Tracy

So, yeah. I've been meaning to update here for a while. I'm just never in a situation where I can 'cause John's always near by. But he's taking a nap now so I figured I'd be safe.

My parents have "extended the deadline" for John to find his own place to the end of May. In reality that's plenty of time for your adverage person to find a place to stay. But, well, John has his issues, and I don't know if it will be that easy.

For one thing he has a hard time being alone. Espesolly when he has his panic attacks, which have been occring more frequintly now. Last night, for example, he and I were up until about 6:00 am because John was haveing a panic attack.

He misses his cat Nibbles. Let me explain, this wasn't just any cat. He told me last night that Nibbles was his best friend. And I don't doubt it. But he passed away a while ago, and he can't seem to get over it. And now he misses his other cat, Edward. I didn't really know what to say to help. 'Cause part of me is thinking, "It's just a cat," but I know that to John Nibbles was more than just a cat.

Anyway, after he stopped crying over Nibbles and Edward he still couldn't sleep, so he started having a panic attack over the fact that he couldn't sleep, which just made things worse.

Meanwhile, I had closed at work that night, so I'm whiped and trying desperitly not to fall asleep. I just don't know what I can do. I need to think about myself, meaning I need to sleep and stuff, but when he's lying next to me shaking and crying so hard the bed is moving it's hard to ignore it.

In other news, John has in a sense quit the Wendy's job. To make a long story short the job wasn't helping things. They weren't giving him a schedual for example. He had to call ever day to see if he was working. And that wasn't working for me 'cause I would have to plan my day.

So then came the issue of getting his paycheck for the days he did work there. He was paralized (almost literally) with fear about calling them. And I understood completly 'cause I used to have tremendous anxiety about talking to people...any people...but espesolly athority figures. But he had told me one day when I asked him how I should know when to push him or not he said, "When in doubt push." So I did, and he got mad at me. He wouldn't talk to me for a while. But I talked to him and expalined to him that I understood that he was mad and all that, and things got better. He did call them yesterday, and his paycheck will be ready on Monday.

Hum...I think that's it. Oh, his theropy starts on Thursday for real this time. Not the assesment stuff, but actual therepy, so that's wonderful. Oh, and he'll be starting his temp job as early as Monday. So yea for that.

Okay, I think I've about summed it all up now. I'll try to keep this updated more often...once John starts his job that might be easier to do.

--Tracy

Stuff is going...well...interestingly. Last night John asked me if I would still love him if he decided not to transition. O_o I said that of course I'd love him...but things might be a little different. Then he asked me if since I don't have much of a sex drive (which we have discussed before) why having a female "life partner" would be out of the question. O_o Um...yipe?

It's not that I don't have a sex drive...it's that a) I'm a virgin, so I yet to know what I'm missing...and b) I'm not physically attracted to girls. And so there for John physically doesn't turn me on. I love him...I'm in love with him...he's very cute...but he just doesn't turn me on. And I don't think that's an end all of a relationship...it's just something...I don't know what.

So, if he didn't transition...I don't know what would happen. I have no idea.

In other news, John didn't go to work again today (he didn't go yesterday either). He hates his job at Wendy's...and I don't really blame him. They have yet to show him where they keep the schedual, so he has to call every day to see when he works. And he hasn't gotten paid yet *or* even told how much he's making. I think he's getting very discouraged with it...so I'm trying to get him to look for a new job. I just don't know who's going to hire him with his only work experence being Wendy's for a month.

My parents want some type of "plan" by the end of April as to what John is doing. So far we've got nothing. I'm really freaking out. He needs a GOOD job that pays well...that will schedual him enough hours so that he can afford an apartment. And we need something figured out in a few weeks. AHHH! STRESS!!

Well, that's what's going on. So, until next time,
--Tracy

{Note} A lot of stuff in my regular journal octopusouphut may start to overlap into this one...and I apologize for the people who have friended both.  But I still feel the need to keep withhim open because there are still issues I'm with John that I'm sure will pop up now and then.  So, from now on, if I post something in octopusouphut as well as in withhim, I'll be sure to cut it in this journal.


Okay...I'm done ranting now....

--Tracy

{Note} If you are a friend of my regular journal octopusouphut then you may have already seen this...sorry to repeat myself.

Had an interesting conversation with my sister last night over AIM. Said she doesn't want a "stranger" (meaning John) having a key to "her" house. She went on to say that if she finds out that John does have a key she'll call the cops. Let's just look at this for a moment:

Q. Does she live in this house?
A. Sometimes...but most of the time she's at her apartment in Bloomington. I don't even think she's coming home for the summer this year.

Q. Does she own the house?
A. No. Mom and Dad own the house.

Q. Is John breaking the law if he gets a key to the house?
A. No. The owners of the house have decided to give him a key. He has done nothing illeagle.

So, in conculsion, Steph can call the cops all she wants. She can bitch and bitch and bitch. But the bottom line is: it's not going the way she wants it and so she's pissed. End of story.

And she wonders why I don't like to talk to her.

Okay...so to update what's going on with my sister and John and all that shit...the shor answer is: Nothing!

Me, my mom and dad had a talk last night...and the first thing my dad said was, "gay, straight, boy, girl, it doesn't matter. That's not the issue." Wow. Wasn't expecting that.

Really, they were more concered with the idea of me moving out with John than anything else...so...go figure. Steph hasn't shown up (yet) and everything seems to be back to normal.

So...yeah....until later,
--Tracy

The shit has hit the fan.

Big time.

Maybe I'm overreacting...I hope so.

My sister called my mom today and told her about the conversation she and I had last night (see previous post). Then my sister called me today and asked me what I was doing tomorrow because she plans on coming into town to (and I quote) "beat the shit out of John." I asked her why and she said it was because he is "messing with my head" making me think that he's a boy. She went on to say how he's a freak, and other varrious rude and uneducated things.

So, finally got off the phone with her, then went upstairs to talk to my mom. She said that she was upset that I had "pulled the wool over her eyes" regarding me dating John. I told her that I just wanted her and my dad to meet first because I knew it might be hard for them to take.

My mom asked me if I was gay. I told her that I wasn't, and she said, "You don't kiss girls if you're straight." And I said, "I'm not kissing a girl." It's kind of hard for her to wrap her mind around it I guess. She sees him as a girl "pretending" to be a boy. I see him as a boy in the wrong body.

I dunno....my mom reasured me that they are not going to kick John out of the house. And my mom doesn't think Steph will drive all the way from Bloomington tomorrow just to have a confrontation with John. We'll see about that one.

The funniest part of the whole thing with my sister? She said, "I'm going to beat the shit out of HIM." Ha ha. Jokes on her then huh? She can't beat "him" up if she doesn't think that he's a he.

Okay...that's all for now...I shall keep everyone updated!

--Tracy

My sister is so...um...odd.

Last night I got a phone call from a friend of her's who basically starts hitting on me. At one point this guy (named Mark aparently) asked me what I was doing that night. I told him I was hanging out with my boyfriend. He asked me what his name was, I told him John. He asked me if we were in love, I said yes. He then asked me if (and I quote) "Do you do the nasty?" I replied to this with "Why am I talking to you about this? I don't even know you." Soon after that we got off the phone...and then my sister calls. She knows that John's FTM, but doesn't (or didn't) know that we were dating. So, Steph (my sister) gets on the phone and says, "Is everything you told Mark true?" and I said it was. And she said, "But that's not possible." And I asked her, "What's not possible?" And she said, "John can't be your boyfriend because he's not a boy." So I said to her, "It depends on how you want to look at it." And she said, "How else can you look at it??" I told her I didn't really want to talk about it, and she got off the phone with me saying, "Well, I guess I'll talk to you in August...since you never call me."

WTF?? The whole thing was just strange. I don't really know what to make of it....if anything. But yeah...hopefully she won't go and tell my parents...

In other news: John got the job at Wendy's...he's there now as a matter of fact.

Guess that's it for now.

--Tracy

I know, I know...it's been ages since I've updated. No, I haven't forgotten about this journal...I've just been extreamlly busy the past 2 or so weeks.

So, John is here! YEA!!! We are working very well together too. We know when to leave each other alone, and when we need something. We know we can tell each other anything that's on our minds. Everything is good when it comes to "us."

Besides that, John's been very depressed and stressed this past week. Understandably so. He just moved from his comfort zone to a state and city he's never been to before with a girl he hadn't really met.

Right now he's at his first theropy session :O) I'm so proud of him for going. It's at UofL so it's pretty cheap, which is good since he doesn't have a job (yet). He has an interview at Wendy's later today that I think will go well. So, here's hoping for that!

In terms of me, things are going well too. I was so afraid that I'd be uncomfortable with the FTM thing...the physical part of our relationship. And, surprisingly I'm ok. He got his binder in the mail before he even got here...and I've introduced him to people at work as a guy and they didn't question it at all.

I was nervous about lots of stuff...stuff like how me dating an FTM effects my own sexuailty...and I've realized that it really doesn't. I still identify as "straight" because my boyfriend identifies as a guy. It's a little weird at some points...like when we had to go and get "feminie products" for him...but, I think I've been handling it okay.

I'll try to post here more regularly...so until then,
--Tracy

Sorry it's been so long since I updated.

Here's the skinny on the John moving here situation:

He is coming in six days...and will be staying at least 2 weeks. At the end of the 2 weeks he and I have to show my parents some type of "plan" as to what we are going to do about getting him a job, theropy and a place to stay.

My mom said that they didn't want to say no about having him stay with us...but they just don't feel completly comfortable with the idea of a complet (in their eyes) stranger moving in for who knows how long. So once we get them a plan they'll be more comfortable (hopefully).

In other John related news, I had to talk him down from a panic attack a few nights ago. So that was fun...but I managed. He's so nervious about everything...and well...so am I...but I can't tell him I just as nervous as he is 'cause that would just make him more nervous! AH!! He's scared that I'm going to get freeked out by the trans thing...and honestly, I can't say that I'm not scared about that too. I told him that it might take some getting used to...but I'm willing to work at it, so we shouldn't worry.

I just don't want to hurt him. I don't think I will...but what if I do? I have all these questions running through my head and I'm just scared. What if we can't find him a job? What if we can't find him a place to stay? What if we find him a place to stay, but he has panic attacks when he's there alone? So much to worry about. I don't want to worry. But I can't help it.

I'm just rambling now. I don't know what I'm talking about. I just want to sleep until he gets here so I don't have to worry about anything. Gah.

--Tracy

So my parents are still discussing weither or not John's gonna move in. It's really getting...what's the word?...tiring to be waiting and waiting like this. But they said to give them a week...so I am.

But I'm getting nervous. What if he *does* move in with us? Then what if we don't get along? I mean, we will be going from one extreme to another: not having ever met to living together. I'm just really nervous.

Right now, with the whole moving in thing I'm basically putting John's best intrests in front of our relationship's best interest...because, well, I guess I'd rather John be happy and healthy than date him. I'm not saying I don't want to date him, I'm just saying that if I had to choose one or the other I'd rather him be happy. Sure, I'd miss him...but...gah...you know what I'm trying to say, so I'll shut up now :O/

--Tracy

So...talked with both my parents tonight about John moving up here earlier than this summer...meaning Spring Break...meaning less than a month from now. And guess what? They didn't say "no." Of course, they haven't said "yes" yet either...But hey, it's a start no?

They told me to give them a week to make a decision...so I'll let you all know what happenes and what that decision is. All I can say is I'm so excited and happy right now at just the thought that he *might* move here. I'm practically speachless :OD

--Tracy

Last night John had a pretty rough night. I'm not exactally sure what happened, but he just freaked out over something and started crying. We were talking on AIM at the time, so he signed off and told me to call him, which I did.

He's just so incredably depressed right now. It's all the same stuff I've said before, only it's getting worse. He desperitly needs to get into theropy...but it's so hard with him not having money or health insurence or parentel support. Just having one of those things would be so helpful...but not having all three is making finding theropy almost imposible.

If he was here we (me and my parents) could help him so much more. But my mom (she hasn't even brought it up with my dad yet) want to wait for him to move here until after he visits...like around the summer. That would all be fine and good if it weren't for the fact that he's beyond missarble where he is right now. All he does is sleep or talk to me. He has no drive and no self-worth. He said to me on the phone last night, "I just want to feel ok for a while...not great, or overly happy...but just ok." and that was so sad.

So I'm going to try to convince my mom to let him stay after he visits. I don't know how well that'll go over. My parents are so practical, and this idea is as far from practical as you can get. So...yeah.

Guess that's it. Oh...we told each other we love each other over the phone last night. It was sweet.

*Sigh* I just want him here.

--Tracy

I had a really crap dream last night and when I woke up I was all sad.

In the dream me and my dad got into a fight and I was really pissed off and hurt. So I called John thinking he'd make me feel better. So, I get on the phone with John and he's extremly hyper. Hyper to the point that it's almost manic and he can't focus on anything. He's just jabbering away while I'm crying on the phone.

At some point he says, "Sorry Tracy. I wish I could be more help right now but I'm wired!" and I responed, "I wish you could be more help too," and then I hung up on him.

I woke up from the dream all sad 'cause he wasn't there for me when I needed him. But I know in real life he would be...'cause he has. So I don't know why I had that dream. It's bothering me. :O/

In other John related news, he is supposedly going to call some theriapists today to see if he can find out any information about free resources in his area. Not just for the FTM stuff, but for his overall depression and his undiagnosed eatting disorder.

He's worried though that his parents will find out that he is or wants to go to theropy. And if they do find out they could kick him out. It's just a big mess.

Think that's all for now.

--Tracy

Sometimes I think he just likes to complain...and that's why he doesn't fix things.

So, like I said, a more important post was to follow...and so here it is.

John's actually awake right now (I think)! It's nearly 2:30 so you'd probably think he would be...but lately he's been sleeping all day for the past week. It was starting to worry me honestly. He was getting real depressed about stuff, and he would sleep so he wouldn't have to deal with anything.

I called him yesterday around 1 or so and his dad answered the phone and he said that "she was still asleep," so I told him that I'd "try her again later." Then I felt bad for calling him a her...but I know that if I had refered to him as a him I couldn't have gotten him in trouble or something. Or if not trouble, then maybe there would be some type of confrontation about it later or something. And I'd like to avoid that.

So, spring break is fast approaching and it's looking more and more likely that I'll be paying for the entirty of John's trip here. Since he still hasn't heard from Wendy's. I don't mind paying...I really don't. I just don't know if I'll be able to save up enough for it by then. I hope I can. I'll be putting the tickets on the credit card, so technically I'll have until the bill comes in to pay it, so that's good.

I just wish he could go ahead and move here. It's like his life is in limbo right now. He doesn't feel like he can start something 'cause he knows he'll most likely be leaving in a few months. Gah. It's so complicated.

So then there's the whole thing about convincing my parents to let him live with us until he gets some shit figured out. That's one reason he's visiting. My mom suggested that it'd be a good idea for him to visit before he moves in...which makes sense. So yeah. But my mom doesn't even know we're dating...so I'm sure that'll be an interesting conversation.

She knows that John is FTM and that we're good friends...and hell, for all she might know we're dating...but if she does she hasn't said anything to me about it. But I'm just not sure how she'll take the news that not only am I dating a guy who lives miles away, but that this guy is FTM. Like I said, complicated!

I think that's all I have to say at the moment about all this. Just that if I start to think about it too much my brain starts to hurt. And that's no good.

We've both been kinda down lately too. I know for me it's 'cause he's not here and I wish he was. Sometimes it's almost painful to talk to him on the phone just 'cause I miss him so much. Does that make sense? I dunno.

Anyway...I'm gonna go for now.

--Tracy

So, I've been meaning to do this.  I wanted to show you all a pic. of what John got me for V-day.  So...

( Here It Be )

It's kinda hard to see in the pic.  But he got me the silver one.  It's really purty and I wear it every day :O)

More important info later,

--Tracy

I guess I should start out this journal by giving you all some facts about me and John.

The first thing that I think most of you know is that he lives in Florida and I live in Kentucky. Which makes things lonely and sucky.

But the other thing many of you don't know is that he's FTM. What is FTM you may be wondering? It stands for "Female To Male" which is a type of transgender...ness...issum? I don't know what the right tense is.

Basicly what this all means is that he is (for now) still technically a girl. He tries to live as a guy, but if he does so too much his parents will kick him out of his house. So he still goes around as a girl at home.

He's in a very bad living situation, and I want to help him get out of it, so he may be moving up here this summer. We'll just have to wait and see.

Without going into too much detail, his parents are not very well off at all. His mom works at Wendy's and his dad sleeps and plays on the computer all day 'cause he's depressed and can't hold down a job. They get social security too...oh, and his younger brother is autistic.

So, John's kinda stuck in a hole right now. He keeps saying to me, "You're the only good thing going for me," and I just don't know what to say to that. I want to help him but there really isn't anything I can do.

There's so much running through my head and I just don't know how to get it all out right now. I'm tired and my head hurts and blarg.

So, I'm going to go for now...I'll post more tomorrow...maybe it'll make more sense then.

--Tracy

Ok...so here it is...my newest LJ. This one is dedicated stricktly to my relationship with John. Don't worry, he knows all about it, but I told him he's not allowed to add it and he's cool with that.

This is just the introductury post...I'll get into stuff later when I have time. But for now I need to get the journal looking pretty and stuff. :O)

So, until later,
Tracy